Sunday, June 23, 2013

Government to open three new IITs internationally to make teenagers lives miserable

26th June 2013,

New Delhi.

The Planning Commission met as early as 10:00 am here at New Delhi to discuss what was possibly one of the most ambitious projects (only next to the Family Planning scheme and the Education for All programme) conceptualized by an Indian governmental body. At the end of the meeting the Planning Commission came to a consensus three new IITs are being planned one each in New York, London and Sydney. 

When asked about the sudden meeting and the decisions made, "The weather was really good and it was imperative that we met for some chai-samosa. And regarding the decisions, we have been debating new prospects and it seemed only obvious that we have to scale 
up" said one of the chief members of the Commission.

He also mentioned that with the results of the IIT-JEE 2013 declared just a couple of days back, the number of suicide attempts and the statistics pertaining to the number of teenagers who have been scarred for life served as the primary motivators behind the new idea.

It is also rumored that the three news IITs are just the first step towards the internationalization of IITs and soon would be extended to Paris, Buenos Aires, Cape Town and a few more cities across the globe. 

"Frankly, the teenagers elsewhere are too happy for their own good and are delving into irrelevant ares of education that does not involve Maths, Physics and Chemistry. Who needs music degrees in an era where music is all about Autotune and lyrics involving only sounds and dedicated filler words like 'babe','baby' and 'gurl'?" said one retired government official who prefers to remain unnamed.

"We are also planning on establishing one IIT in Beijing if these attempts become successful. But that IIT will only have the Humanities departments of IIT so that we can slyly suppress Chinese Engineers. Admission to that IIT will also involve Math, Physics and Chemistry in case the Chinese get alarmed and choose to skip JEE" said Mr. 
'Cos theta' Kameshwaran who will be the Chief Architect of the Engineering programme at the new IITs.

Economics experts in India exclaim that this is a welcome move and would affect the start up scene in India in a positive way. When asked how this is relevant to the Indian start-up scene the collective response was that "IIT+IIM graduates who watch 'Jobs the movie' next year might want to drop out and do something productive. But since they would have already graduated they might quit their work and decide to start up. They would surely take inspirations from the mastermind coaching centers at Kota and also FITJEE, Brilliant Tutorials and other elite institutions."

As a last word when asked about maintaining quality across all IITs the Chief Spokesperson of the Planning Commission said that "As a rule, we are planning to admit not more than one girl for every 25 students in the new IITs which would automatically ensure that the new IITs are also vested with the marked difference between any standard Engineering institution and the IITs."

This revolutionary idea seems to promise a lot of things that could lead to the general betterment of Humanity. It has already become a roaring success as Indian parents across the globe particularly in America are torn under the pressure of choosing between training their toddlers for Spelling Bee competitions and the IIT-JEE. 

"We are clearly stumped about the new decisions made by the Planning Commission. The divergence from the general trend of making our children learn to spell 'Faux Pas' and 'Enchante' at the age of 4 to Maths, Physics and Chemistry coaching would be quite a challenge", said one agitated parent over Skype.

Will this be the idea of the decade or lead to an IIT-GATE (not the entrance exam, the scam) scandal ? Only time will tell.

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