Government to open three new IITs internationally to make teenagers lives miserable

26th June 2013,

New Delhi.

The Planning Commission met as early as 10:00 am here at New Delhi to discuss what was possibly one of the most ambitious projects (only next to the Family Planning scheme and the Education for All programme) conceptualized by an Indian governmental body. At the end of the meeting the Planning Commission came to a consensus three new IITs are being planned one each in New York, London and Sydney. 

When asked about the sudden meeting and the decisions made, "The weather was really good and it was imperative that we met for some chai-samosa. And regarding the decisions, we have been debating new prospects and it seemed only obvious that we have to scale 
up" said one of the chief members of the Commission.

He also mentioned that with the results of the IIT-JEE 2013 declared just a couple of days back, the number of suicide attempts and the statistics pertaining to the number of teenagers who have been scarred for life served as the primary motivators behind the new idea.

It is also rumored that the three news IITs are just the first step towards the internationalization of IITs and soon would be extended to Paris, Buenos Aires, Cape Town and a few more cities across the globe. 

"Frankly, the teenagers elsewhere are too happy for their own good and are delving into irrelevant ares of education that does not involve Maths, Physics and Chemistry. Who needs music degrees in an era where music is all about Autotune and lyrics involving only sounds and dedicated filler words like 'babe','baby' and 'gurl'?" said one retired government official who prefers to remain unnamed.

"We are also planning on establishing one IIT in Beijing if these attempts become successful. But that IIT will only have the Humanities departments of IIT so that we can slyly suppress Chinese Engineers. Admission to that IIT will also involve Math, Physics and Chemistry in case the Chinese get alarmed and choose to skip JEE" said Mr. 
'Cos theta' Kameshwaran who will be the Chief Architect of the Engineering programme at the new IITs.

Economics experts in India exclaim that this is a welcome move and would affect the start up scene in India in a positive way. When asked how this is relevant to the Indian start-up scene the collective response was that "IIT+IIM graduates who watch 'Jobs the movie' next year might want to drop out and do something productive. But since they would have already graduated they might quit their work and decide to start up. They would surely take inspirations from the mastermind coaching centers at Kota and also FITJEE, Brilliant Tutorials and other elite institutions."

As a last word when asked about maintaining quality across all IITs the Chief Spokesperson of the Planning Commission said that "As a rule, we are planning to admit not more than one girl for every 25 students in the new IITs which would automatically ensure that the new IITs are also vested with the marked difference between any standard Engineering institution and the IITs."

This revolutionary idea seems to promise a lot of things that could lead to the general betterment of Humanity. It has already become a roaring success as Indian parents across the globe particularly in America are torn under the pressure of choosing between training their toddlers for Spelling Bee competitions and the IIT-JEE. 

"We are clearly stumped about the new decisions made by the Planning Commission. The divergence from the general trend of making our children learn to spell 'Faux Pas' and 'Enchante' at the age of 4 to Maths, Physics and Chemistry coaching would be quite a challenge", said one agitated parent over Skype.

Will this be the idea of the decade or lead to an IIT-GATE (not the entrance exam, the scam) scandal ? Only time will tell.

I'm ashamed to be a man

I did not want to write about this. 

Everybody has made their point. They want the rapists to be killed, castrated, burnt, stoned to death.

What were they waiting for? Why today? Were they waiting to see how violent men can get? This is not the first time something as brutal as this has happened. Rapes happen everyday. We talk about it, we sign petitions, we go on protest marches but what can we do about it? Nothing. Because there is nothing to do. Punishment solves the problem? Do you think the victims care about that? No. 

The media and most of us are using this opportunity to be heard. Branding Delhi as the rape capital. How is that civilized? That man would have raped a woman if he was from Delhi, Madras or Varanasi. 

You suggest education. Flawed.

Where are we going wrong? Educating the men about women? Education doesn't solve anything. At least not in this country. We are taught history and science and math. And we copy from our friend during the exam. Are we sufficiently educated in math?  

You suggest spreading awareness. Flawed.

After 60 odd years of independence, 10 five-year plans and schools and colleges, men are not ashamed to pee in public. Awareness much? 

If you are reading this looking for a solution to all this please stop and carry on with your work. I am not suggesting a solution because there is none. Writing articles, updating Facebook statuses and tweeting about rape and the effects of it will not make a change. The ten men who ganged up on the girl couple of days back were the same ten men who read the newspaper article on a 5 year old being raped a week back, a 20 year old being raped 10 days back. The same men who 'liked' and shared a facebook update on saving all women who are targetted by sex thirsty animals on their way back home. A rapist is reading this now. He will be done with this article go out and rape a woman, because it is okay to destroy the life of a 5 year old kid or a 50 year old woman for the sake of his pleasure. Because it is okay. Because he is a man. Because he has a penis. That is a superpower in this wretched country. 

In this sovereign democratic secular republic country, all a girl has to do to get raped is walk home after watching a movie, in broad daylight. 

You suggest self-defense. Flawed.

When ten brutal animals gang up on one girl what amount of self-defense will help? A revolver has 6 bullets. These animals will wait for the victim to exhaust all that, then rape her. Because sex is important than another person's life. Because raping a woman is a badass act. Because the movies say so. The man who rapes a girl in a movie drives a BMW. Because lust trumps every human emotion. It is sacrilegious to use the word human in this post because the men in this country are anything but human. 

What else can be done? I don't know. Do you? No. We can hang 10 men. And 10 more rapists are born the next day. You think they are not aware of the prison sentence? No. 

I am scared. I am scared for the people around me. I am scared for my friends. I am scared for my family. I am scared because these men are widening their borders of cruelty everyday. 

I am scared.


I did not want to write about this because all that has to be written has been written. I did not want to write about this because I did not want attention. I did not want to be called an hypocrite.  I did not want to write about this because I don't know what she went through. No amount of explanation will make me realize that. I did not want to write about this because I am a man. I did not want to write about this because I am ashamed to be a man.

I am ashamed. I am ashamed to be a man. I am ashamed to be a man in this country.

Fourth world problems

So many centuries back, some knowledgeable people (who probably were the ancestors of today's knowledgeable Chennai crowd) classified people into four kinds (or varnas, for the Sanskrit-ly inclined). People those days didn't do much except praying, fighting or something like that. The four divisions were 


Kshatriyas- people who fought.
Brahmanas - people who performed scholarly activities (like reading The Hindu from top to bottom)
Vaisyas - people who bought and sold things, merchant folk.
Sudras - people who did physical labor.


Today, three of the four classifications have merged with multiple regional and religion based sects and what remains in the Brahmanas and that too only in the name. I call this group the fourth world.


I think just because they were self proclaimed scholars in the ancient times there are a million hurdles and loopholes to make sure none of the modern day citizens of the fourth world would be eligible to carry out the pursuit of knowledge. 


The fourth world is also referred to as the 'forward community' in pop culture. That's like the best irony inspired name ever. It gives tough competition to terms like relative grading, flash mob, engineering college and music director Harris Jeyaraj. 


In the mark driven educational society today, the fourth world can only sustain itself if it chooses to embrace illiteracy. I mean come on, there are so many jobs one can end up without getting a degree. 


"What is your percentage in class 10?"


"98%"


"Good. What about class 12?"


"99.5%"


"Very good, very good. Where is your community certificate?"

"I don't have one. Forward community."


"Oh."


"You should've worked hard in class 12. You are 4% short of the cut off."


"But I have 99.5% already."


"I know. But that's what the system says. The system is never wrong."


Well, the system is never wrong. No?

Okay. So, if I decide to follow my ancestors and resort to priestly professions, even they are competitive. People fight reservations, finish doctorates in posh foreign universities and once they get married, they come back to India, put their kids in PSBB, grow a pony tail and become vaaddhiyaars. So if I finish school with a meagre 98% and try getting into one such profession, I will be ineligible for that also. What should I do tell me? I think this is all a master plan to make sure nobody from the forward community remains to fight against reservation. They are aiming at a society filled with peace and harmony by waiting till all the people of the fourth world die.


Lets look at the possible jobs where there are no reservations:


1. Item dancer - best possible job. But men cannot apply because of penis and poonal.

2. Bodyguard for the dons/mafia heads - not possible because of curd rice.


3. Politician - No money, no politics. Yes money, no need of politics. Paradox.

And a few others like amateur photographer, social media expert etc. People used to become writers but these days one needs an MBA from the IIMs to become a writer. 


So to sum up one does not simply be born as a citizen of the fourth world and also expect decent education. Oh wait, you cannot control that.


Pesama naanum kalacharatha kaapatha poidlamnu iruken.

Ten Commandments for the Indian Engineering student

Are you an Engineering student in an Indian college? Don't worry even I had a bad day today.


So amidst all those 'cool' Facebook posts and funny satirical tweets that outrage on how the system should be and how everyone else is wrong, here are ten things you should always keep in mind. You are going to hate these. You have been warned.


1. You will get to interact with seniors in due course of your first year in college. You will carefully avoid those who are marching towards the library with books in hand and go disturb the one sitting with his girlfriend. He will ask you to 'chillax' and take things light. That's because he wants you to get lost and not disturb him. The right person to contact is the one with the books. He will provide you with the right advice. It will sound something like 'CGPA is important.'




2. In due course of time you will join/start ohmygodsofunny Facebook pages like 'Even-We-have -an-Engineering-college tips'. They will have coolmax posters that say stuff like develop your aptitude. Bunk classes. Have fun. But they miss some essential advice. CGPA is important.


3. You might be extremely interested in research. To the levels that you actually cultured ants for your sixth standard science project instead of saying they all died because your mom mistook it for Bournvita. So, you will end up doing tens of projects and millions of lines of code. While you are busy with all this you will grow up thinking you are superman. But CGPA is more important.


4. You will prepare with your fullest dedication to answer any question under the roof during the interview. But your preparation is not complete if you don't have a satisfactory answer to the question, "What is your CGPA?". Because CGPA is important.




5. Are you a programming wizard? Can you solve any problem in under 10 minutes? How many languages do you..? Wait, before that, What is your CGPA? Because, CGPA is more important.


6. You would have won gold medals in three consecutive math olympiads. But, CGPA is more important.


7. Your fellow classmate who asked you what is the difference between C and C++ two days before the test would get a Boston admit when some BPO would refuse to interview you. Because, CGPA is more important.


8. Your parents would think you are not working as much as your next door neighbor as he would end up with better grades because he 'refers' to Local authors only. Hey because at the end of the day, CGPA is more important.


9. You would think some basics on research and may be a paper would cover up for your drop in CGPA because you couldn't cut a pyramid into three equal parts. You will spend an hour filling your CV with accomplishments you think are going to make your profile look like Vidya Balan's gorgeous smile. But to start up with research and cover up CGPA you need a good CGPA. Because CGPA is more important.


10. You might choose to ignore all the above. But remember this alone, CGPA is important.

When in India, be a cricket fan

Its been an hour and half and I'm still not sure how to celebrate the greatest Indian accomplishment I ever witnessed.

Curses, praises, screams of joy and swear words were all that I came across when the Indian team was up on the field battling for the holy grail of international cricket. I remember 2003 world cup, probably the first world cup from which i have memories. 2007 was a disaster and I couldn't catch every single match due to the time zone difference and all that. Coming back to 2003, the tourney saw the complete wrath of the man I worship, Sourav Ganguly. He was remarkable and I was believing he could bring us what Dev and his men did years ago. Sadly, it never happened.

This year, at home, almost everyone of us believed we could do it and we did. For Sachin, for Yuvraj and most importantly for 1.2 billion people. Imagine, its the world cup! I remember almost ever single ball, savouring  the match with my dad. Complaining, scolding and losing hopes more than once when Sehwag walked to the pavilion without as much as a single boundary. Sachin disappointing yet again and when Gambhir seemed like he was struggling. After the 30th over every fog of doubt got cleared and there was this comfortable red carpet that led us to the cup of glory.

That catch Sehwag took off Tharanga's bat, the dive that I saw of Yuvi at backward point after a millennium, the way Harbhajan and Yuvi hugged each other and cried, the saint like expression on MS's face after he scored the winning runs. Every single moment shall remain deep in our hearts. Every single player upon whom doubts were cast played today. I bet even though Sachin has a million other innings to remember and cherish, this would top his list. That medallion which reads "winners-world cup 2011", will be wet with tears of the great man himself.

I have been giving my opinions on how Sachin is overrated and all this god worship. But today, I tell you, one needs a quality to be overrated and he has it. Cricket truly being the religion that we proclaim it to be has united Indians across the stands of the Wankhade, across towns and cities, across the country and across the globe. I'm pretty sure the celebrations have not ended yet.

Every year it needs 190 plus countries to discuss world peace and unity and today we showed the world that a sport can unite a nation.

Eleven men to rule them all, eleven men to find them, eleven men to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.


I'm proud to say I lived when India won the world cup. I'm proud to say as a result of today's match, I lived.

Obama,satyabama and appa-amma..

Truth is the hardest thing to believe.


We often misunderstand things to be one, while they come out as the exact opposite of what one imagined. So is the case with the arrival of the American first man/first black American man, Barrack Obama, to India. Most of the common men,by which I exclude Mr.Singh and his corrupt associates, believe that the arrival of the President of the states would make a change in the economic situation of our country. Well,that is not going to happen. 


He says, " Apart from the dreadful incident two years back, the Taj stands as an example for the nation's strength and it feels great to address the gathering from the very same place."


By which he actually means, "I'm glad that I was not elected President two years back and I really regret that Bush did not arrive when Terrorism went haywire two years back at the very same place".

Even after dodging all the questions and enough blaming of Pakistan,Iran and numerous other countries who don't understand what he says because they don't know English(as if the people who speak English give a damn) the media says he is discussing counter terrorism with the PM. He might as well be discussing, the terrorism at the Mumbai cine-plex ticket counters on Diwali day, which won't be revealed on account of being highly classified government info. You can't get this info even via wiki-leaks and that's why I provide you with Vicky-leaks ;)


He says America and India have come more close than ever, which invariably reminds me of Vadivel who tried to shift Delhi to South India. While Indian engineers,doctors and businessmen are waiting outside the embassy for their visas he's busy swiping his 'Visa' and dancing to Bollywood numbers in two piece( A shirt and a pant of course)


He's supposed to have signed a $10 billion deal. Well,there goes the money for Barrack/Manmohan campaign for the next elections. And this indeed would seem as a parody of the government reports. But believe me, Wiki might lie, Vicky won't.


Here, that I have included Satyabama for it sadly rhymes with Obama or so I think it does, I'm forced to make the following statements. The only Satyabama that I know of is the group of institutions run under that name. Which is a paradox. Let me tell you why. Its been portrayed as the strictest institution and its the scale which other colleges use to compare their levels of strictness with. Bite me. Its fun to be there as said by few friends who apparently belong to that chain of institutions.


The food, is immensely awesome and classrooms spacious and provide the perfect environment to sleep unlike the ones 'm forced to sit for 8 hours everyday. 


I know you wish that you could've ignored the Satyabama part completely. There goes my rating into the drains.


And my appa-amma who are not even remotely interested in whether I write about Obama/Satyabama or the annoying next door mama, are indeed interested in the Internet bills that the mailman never forgets to deliver unlike so many other important letters. And that ( and not my train of thought which hit a dead end) is making me stop with this.


Truth indeed is the hardest thing to believe.

From Kalmadi to Kamal & Maddy

The wise say, the otherwise believe-Allan O'Connor.

Ranging from Dan Brown to the 'doctor' who can fly, a common trait keeps them kicking,deception.By making people believe what they want them to believe they fill their pockets and come up with more plans to deceive people.The sole blame is on the people and not on those who succeed in deceiving.Though a major part of the educated society falls prey for the Dan Brown sort, the flying doctor ends up in producing successful actors who otherwise would be engineers who would be grumbling upon flying doctors.


Take Suresh Kalmadi for example.He makes Sharad Powar look like a middle class man travelling in an MTC bus. Politicians spend lakhs of rupees which they looted in their previous regime to come into power again to start stealing for their next campaign.This vicious wheel keeps spinning.At the end of the day its the common engineer, sorry common man who gets affected with prices increasing and pocket money decreasing.

Harm aadmi

You,or one of the yous in one of the parallel universes must be finding this post interesting.I continue for the sake of that being.Apparently, I deceived you by stating there are parallel universes existing and even more by stating that I can write interesting stuff.Now do you realise how simple it is?


What started with poochandi and otha-kannan(One eyed man and No,I'm not scolding any Mr.Kannan in Madras thamizh) follows till today where my Math prof promises to clear my doubts in the next class.We got used to being deceived and the most boasted Indian culture plays perfect host for deception.


So many ads where Aamir Khan drinks abundant amounts of tea and absurdly asks others to stay awake seems to have no effect on the Great Indian Population.We simply can't resist staring at the white woman who comes out of the airport. 


It will take few more decades for people to realise that awareness,common sense and education do not fall under the same zip code.Awareness programmes in India are conducted by the educated and for the educated(of the educated doesn't suit!Drat)




So finally as I'm content with filling enough space, all I need to convey is stay awake and don't get deceived.


Well, for those who managed to stay awake through the post and waiting to comment what does Kamal and Maddy have to do with the title, they're are doing a combo and be prepared to get deceived if Kamal plays a role wherein he's younger than Maddy, or worst case where they are both younger than Trisha.




PS: The quote in the beginning of the post was made up by yours truly.


PPS:There's no person named Allan O'Connor.Again,I made it up.Deception is even simpler isn't it? 


PPPS:I've published cartoons for the first time :D I know I'm a horrible,horrible person to make you undergo all this.Yet,leave brickbats and comments :) 




The wise say, the otherwise believe.

The curious case of muniyandi mutton..

"Indha hotel la biriyani kedaikuma?"
(Will biriyani be available in this hotel?)


"Aama idhu periya Muniyandi vilas.Biriyani irundhutta mattum"
(Well,like this is 'Muniyandi vilas',even if there was its not going to be good)


Numerous such conversations have been heard by me.For instance,all halwas are compared to Tirunelveli halwa because there's a particular halwa maker who made Tirunelveli famous for halwas.This is a factual and obvious reference.So many places in India have become references for stuff they are seldom famous for.


Like, "Ivaru periya George bush.English la thaan pesuvaro" (You think you're George bush or what? Will you speak nothing but English?) 


This is highly irrelevant considering George Bush and almost all the Americans for that matter speak English in the most crappy way possible.


Acting like Bombay heroines, Playing like Sachin, Writing poetry like Shakespeare(I bet people who uses this can never comprehend a single verse from his works.Trust me, his wife ran away) all these are insane references.Bombay heroines cannot act,Sachin's son is not able to imitate him and Shakespeare need I say more? 

If this they call it sarcasm either they are too old or too dumb.
I'd say Dancing like Bhagyaraj,Poetry like Mirchi Shiva,Six like Gavaskar and Sex like Rakhi Sawant might fall under Sarcasm of my age.Get updated,Get upgraded.

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna..

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 15; the fifteenth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

I was staring at all the blood and broken shreds of glass. I have never seen so much blood all at once. Panic, nausea and fear gripped me. What was I supposed to do? Run haywire like everyone around me? Stay there? Cry? Break down? Faint? To this day I cannot recall why that moment I was taken to that memory. That particular day

 ***

The sounds of vendors and distinct chatter startled me. I’m someone who doesn’t usually sleep during journeys. But this was a particularly long one and I had nothing better to do. Rubbing my groggy eyes, I woke up to see that the train had stopped at some place which I couldn’t identify. Half heartedly accepting the job at a construction site in some village at Jharkand, which would break my seven month stint of joblessness and more than that the daily dosage of scornful looks from the people who were family. I wanted to go someplace far off and this gave the right cue.

After splashing my face with water from the water bottle I had bought at the previous station I took a look outside at the station. It seemed there was some problem with the tracks a few kilometers ahead and the train would not leave until that was attended to. It was a beautiful weather. The clouds were like a little kid with a premonition that he wouldn’t be bought the toy he wished for, ready to cry, waiting for the perfect moment.

There was no beautiful girl in my compartment like I was taught by the numerous movies I saw through the years. One fantasy that never came true. I looked around the station, being an architect myself I found it hard to identify the pattern of construction. Nevertheless the view was breathtaking, similar to the ones you see in postcards from foreign countries. Tired of looking around, I tried to go back to sleep.

I heard voices right outside my window. Three men, must be strangers, were introducing themselves. Strange how people make friends in journeys like this. I have never been able to. May be because I don’t open up much. They were fellow passengers and remained just the same. I couldn’t help but listen to their conversation.

“Thanks so much bhai, my wife would become so worried even if I return an hour late. Can’t blame her. My area is full of extremists and I am equally scared to travel alone after dark” said one man to the other probably thanking him for a phone call.

“Is it always like this here? I have to report at 10 am tomorrow. With this problem I don’t think I will be able to”

“It’s the Government”, the third man joined in. “They take villages for granted. They hesitate to spend money like they’re spending it from their own pockets. Corrupt scoundrels”

“Very true bhai, electricity,water, everything is scarce over there. We have been living there for generations. The world outside is so different from what we call our world “

“ I’m from the south. Going on deputation. Mom and dad were so worried when I said Jharkand. Naxal problems and all that. But a job is a job. Its not like I’m in the army or something” He laughed saying that.

“Young men. You don’t fear anything. The country needs more of your kind”

“My grandfather was in the army bhai, 30^th infantry division. Shot to death in the sepoy mutiny. My whole family is proud to say that we are in his lineage”

“Nothing like fighting for the country. People downsouth are brought up being nurtured by stories of bravery and sacrifice. Its hard to be like that today. Honesty, patriotism all these have lost values”

Silence followed.

“Terrorism plays upper hand. Its so sad to see things like that everyday on tv”

“I see things like that happening right in front of me once a week. Got used to it”

“Terrorists think they’re more patriotic. Sad part is that they kill in the name of religion while no religion preaches them to kill nor take up violence”

“God is watching everyone. I pray everyday to make people better by giving them brains to think. When’ll God open his eyes? Cannot see that happening anytime soon”

“There is Judgment for everyone. God waits at the Palace gates to decide who falls where. Those cruel beasts will rot in hell”

“Qayamat holds all answers bhai. It pains to see kids and women falling victims to these barbarians”

The whistle blew and the voices faded away as I drifted off to sleep.

***

The memory unfolded in front of me. I realized I was standing in the middle of a pile of rubble. Screaming mothers and weeping wives. People of all religion bathed in the same color devoid of all differences..

Least did I know what Shankar Iyer, Muhammed Haneef and Johnson would be thinking after watching this on tv the following afternoon.

***

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Dekhna hai zor kitna baazu-e-qaatil mein hai

Aye watan, Karta nahin kyun doosree kuch baat-cheet

Dekhta hun main jise woh chup teri mehfil mein hai

Aye shaheed-e-mulk-o-millat main tere oopar nisaar

Ab teri himmat ka charcha gair ki mehfil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Credits
Image - Alston Station by Wandering Soul
Courtesy - www.deviantart.com via www.blogaton.in