Government to open three new IITs internationally to make teenagers lives miserable

26th June 2013,

New Delhi.

The Planning Commission met as early as 10:00 am here at New Delhi to discuss what was possibly one of the most ambitious projects (only next to the Family Planning scheme and the Education for All programme) conceptualized by an Indian governmental body. At the end of the meeting the Planning Commission came to a consensus three new IITs are being planned one each in New York, London and Sydney. 

When asked about the sudden meeting and the decisions made, "The weather was really good and it was imperative that we met for some chai-samosa. And regarding the decisions, we have been debating new prospects and it seemed only obvious that we have to scale 
up" said one of the chief members of the Commission.

He also mentioned that with the results of the IIT-JEE 2013 declared just a couple of days back, the number of suicide attempts and the statistics pertaining to the number of teenagers who have been scarred for life served as the primary motivators behind the new idea.

It is also rumored that the three news IITs are just the first step towards the internationalization of IITs and soon would be extended to Paris, Buenos Aires, Cape Town and a few more cities across the globe. 

"Frankly, the teenagers elsewhere are too happy for their own good and are delving into irrelevant ares of education that does not involve Maths, Physics and Chemistry. Who needs music degrees in an era where music is all about Autotune and lyrics involving only sounds and dedicated filler words like 'babe','baby' and 'gurl'?" said one retired government official who prefers to remain unnamed.

"We are also planning on establishing one IIT in Beijing if these attempts become successful. But that IIT will only have the Humanities departments of IIT so that we can slyly suppress Chinese Engineers. Admission to that IIT will also involve Math, Physics and Chemistry in case the Chinese get alarmed and choose to skip JEE" said Mr. 
'Cos theta' Kameshwaran who will be the Chief Architect of the Engineering programme at the new IITs.

Economics experts in India exclaim that this is a welcome move and would affect the start up scene in India in a positive way. When asked how this is relevant to the Indian start-up scene the collective response was that "IIT+IIM graduates who watch 'Jobs the movie' next year might want to drop out and do something productive. But since they would have already graduated they might quit their work and decide to start up. They would surely take inspirations from the mastermind coaching centers at Kota and also FITJEE, Brilliant Tutorials and other elite institutions."

As a last word when asked about maintaining quality across all IITs the Chief Spokesperson of the Planning Commission said that "As a rule, we are planning to admit not more than one girl for every 25 students in the new IITs which would automatically ensure that the new IITs are also vested with the marked difference between any standard Engineering institution and the IITs."

This revolutionary idea seems to promise a lot of things that could lead to the general betterment of Humanity. It has already become a roaring success as Indian parents across the globe particularly in America are torn under the pressure of choosing between training their toddlers for Spelling Bee competitions and the IIT-JEE. 

"We are clearly stumped about the new decisions made by the Planning Commission. The divergence from the general trend of making our children learn to spell 'Faux Pas' and 'Enchante' at the age of 4 to Maths, Physics and Chemistry coaching would be quite a challenge", said one agitated parent over Skype.

Will this be the idea of the decade or lead to an IIT-GATE (not the entrance exam, the scam) scandal ? Only time will tell.

Dear ladies using MTC, why?

Dear ladies of Madras,

"Since everyone is quoting all kinds of nonsense and saying that I said all that, let me make my mark on this blog post also." - Mahatma Gandhi.

This is not just a blog post. This is the culmination of the outrage I have accumulated over the years and since this place is where all the open letters end up, mine shall also. 50 percent of the ladies population can perhaps relate to this post, the rest can simply read and laugh. The former, do not take it seriously and send lawyer notice and all to me. Trust me, na avlo worth piece ellam illa. (I am not worth the effort)


First of all, second of all and third of all, one big salute to you. I mean really, with so much amazingly awesomesauce talent you occupy the gents side of the MTC buses and sit like you belong there. If only a guy sits on the ladies side, one lady from each seat will start yelling "Yen pa,  ladies nikkaraanga la!"(Ladies are standing no?)  I mean wow. You want equality and reservation, is it? If I come and ask you to get up saying this is 'gents' seat, that's all. You will start one anti-me group, recruit members and collect donation before the next stop comes.


I am ok with standing also. But what I don't understand is that you ladies are standing alternatively along both the columns like one Bharathiraja dance sequence and making it difficult for men to walk inside the bus. The conductor is also one paavam fellow. Apart from all this you will give one look. I am seriously asking, you think we wake up at 6 o'clock, brush teeth with close up, drink bru coffee, wear pant sattai, run behind the bus and all to come stare at you or rub against you? 


Whilst the process of engaging my superior colliculus on serious thoughts like "Will the canteen have Masala Dosai during lunch or not?" and other first world problems, we accidentally look at you. Or may be you look pretty and we look at you. That's all. Finish. You will picture a scene where Mahmood Ghazni is looting and pillaging Somnath temple where we men are Ghazni and you are, well do the math.  If I give my bag also you won't carry. You will give one expression that will seem like I asked you to carry my child. 


Nobody wants to travel in bus ok? If you stand near the door and ask evreryone to go inside followed by the most conscience less dialogue ever "Ulla avloo edam iruke pa!" (There is so much space inside no?) when all the men inside including the conductor are standing like dogs before transformers, what will we do? 


One special service for students were started. That also you started occupying. Now they call it the students/ladies bus service. Why is there no gents service? This and all if I ask I will come off as one male chauvinistic anti feminist posh scene putting boy who can't adjust with reality.
Most of the boys turned like this only after getting off 21G or 21L.


Slighta understand the situation. Cut down the drama, a little bit. Because, a journey of a thousand miles begins with an MTC season ticket.


Yours sincerely,
Yet another footboard commuter.

Doctor Doctor everywhere not a book to read

Chennai,
5th November  2011.


The honorable Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, or TamizhNaad as it is soon going to be renamed to, has come up with quite a few revolutionary plans to get all the passed out MBBS students to get recruited.

One of the reporters who interviewed the honorable CM just after the election results recollects that, when asked how the CM has planned to make Tamizhnaad into a prosperous state, "Well of course, by building hospitals. Health is wealth. And all izz swell." quipped our particularly healthy CM. "Pun intended in block letters" added the reporter.

As said, our CM kept aside the problems like, inflation rising like a thirteen year old's dick, oil prices changing like British weather, educationalists taking the academics of the state to spin and a few million insignificant others just because they were unnecessary distractions while she was meticulously planning and practising her speeches to be delivered during the inaugural functions of the multi-specialty hospitals that are to be built. And I would remind you that these are being done to make TamizhNaad into a healthy state. 


When asked how she was going to manage the funding for these multi-specialty hospitals, she answered that the previous government had already blown enough money and has constructed buildings that were wrongly advertised as 'Madras's pride' which in her opinion are just fancy buildings that occupy space and are nearly useless. " Imagine the tourist population that TamizhNaad would attract if the Omandur estate and the Azhagappa Chettiyar grounds had remained as unmanned forest areas with all it's wilderness." She couldn't recollect why those places were useful but stressed that they should've been useful as our ancestors (by whom she means M.G. Ramachandran) could not have been wrong. 


Saying that, she said she would move all the books in the 'Anna centenary library' to the old secretariat  building as it was almost always empty as her cabinet ministers were alien to attending assembly sessions. She added that as the buildings were already in place she can concentrate on looting the money which she would allocate to the construction of the existing buildings. She beamed with pride after laying out her smart plans.




The following excerpt from the interview with her will make all others envy the state of TamizhNaad.

Reporter: "What would be your answer to the people who have been using the library regularly as it unarguably has been one of the best things that has happened to the city?"


TamizhNaad CM: "How can they be so silly? Doctors are educated people. They will have answers to everything that these people were searching in the books. If you refuse to believe me please listen to the group of doctors waiting outside my gate. They are chanting "Amma Vaazhga" which clearly is an example of a very profound interpretation of the first thirukkural."


We had to cut the interview short as the honorable CM of TamizhNaad was on her way to examine a few newly constructed buildings which will soon be turned into multi-specialty hospitals


Public reactions varied from a respectable "otha dei" to eye pleasing displays of burning effigies, which the CM of TamizhNaad dismissed as extended Diwali celebrations.

Engineering students who started their course during the DMK period have been left to wonder if their degrees would be converted into MBBS degrees.

Vijay TV is starting a new show where the participants predict the next location that will be turned into a multi-specialty hospital. The winner gets a brand new apartment at 'Temple Blue' Oragadam which will eventually be turned into a multi-specialty hospital.



PS: Please click the following link. Sign in and spend two minutes and fill the petition. This will help you save the Anna Centenary Library. It's free. Petition to save the Anna Centenary library  

Every dog has it's day

"Happy Friendship Day"

Now that 'friendship day' hath cometh, my mobile inbox and facebook wall are being flooded with deeply thought messages like this. I am teary eyed as I read through every single message just like the million other people on whose wall you 'ctrl+v'-ed it. So what is all this hoopla about one particular day to spread fraandsheep? I firmly believe all these 'days' were started by greeting card companies to improve marketing. Except for one particular day which was the brainchild of Cheran in Autograph. It's 'Happy vayasukku vandha day' of course.

So as I sit here overwhelmed by the number of friendship day texts I receive and disgusted by the ultimate pichakarathanam of my mobile service provider I try to place myself in the shoes of those creative geniuses who come up with such 'days'.

There is Mother's day. There is Father's day. And then there is - Wait for it- Parents' day. I am nothing short of spell bound to know of all this. Might work in America but nevertheless its nothing but ultimate douchebag-ism.

You think Google is the source of all the info that is available today, right? You might want to rethink.  Facebook status updates have replaced Google's databases. Did you know that 'International Brother's week' and 'International Sister's week' both fall on the same week? Also thrice in the same month every other month? Beat that. Added incentive is that if you are the first person to put up such a status everyone on your friend-list will wish your brother/sister instead of 

their own brother/sister. Yes there are so many smart phones but very few smart people to note that ctr+v will not change their friend's brother's name into their own brother's.

There is 'international cute puppies day'. Where people upload pictures of KITTEN! Yes, KITTEN!

There's 'World AIDS day'. I don't want to know what people do on that day and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to either.

There's 'International Mommies day' which I don't know how is entirely different from International Mother's day. You should be careful to wish your mommy and not your Mother, not even accidentally.

Oh wait, these days are not just days but 'events' on Facebook. Some lonely teenager who couldn't grab a beer or a girl to get laid on a Friday evening decides to spam everyone on Facebook by creating 'events' like FDFS for Korean movies which don't even release in the same continent as his.

Amidst all this there are cool days like 'Pi day' which makes me relieved that some sanity exists in today's world.

All said and done, happy friendship day all. I won't text or wall post you people for I am scared that this post will be reduced to a single twitter hash tag: #meta.

So long.